I think it’s important to note at the outset of this post that I do NOT have fungus growing all over my body. Got that? Lena = No Fungus. If anyone asks “what is Lena?” you will all chorus “fungus free!”
Having said that, this would be a better story if I DID have fungus (which I don’t!), but in that case you can be sure that you would never, ever hear about it, so be grateful that I don’t (no sirree!).
So I went to a dermatologist this week for a long over-due skin cancer screening – where they look you over and photograph your moles and make sure nothing nasty is growing. I know at least two people my age who’ve already had melanoma, so it’s not a bad idea to do it.
While I was there, the dermatologist noticed a couple of patches of dry skin on my torso that made her pause – she took a scraping, as she said that it might be “tinea verylongword,” a fungal condition that is hereditary and can OVERSPREAD YOUR BODY. Fungus. All over your body.
So, while there is totally no shame in having this condition which I personally do not have, you can imagine I wasn’t thrilled. She said the good news is that it’s totally treatable. You just take a pill, go and exercise really hard, then don’t shower for 24 hours. Then repeat the process in a week.
While waiting for the (negative!) test to come back, I was thinking two things. One, that that bit in Bridget Jones where she tells her smug married friends that the reason so many girls after thirty aren’t married is that, under our clothes, we all have scales over our bodies, and which is really funny when you read it and think “that’s what I’ll say to my grandmother next time she asks,” isn’t so funny when it might be true. The second one was: “what kind of a crazy medieval witchdoctor cure is THAT?”
A friend said that it reminded her of the bit in the Bible where the guy with leprosy has to go and dip himself in the river seven times.
Fortunately, I don’t have to compromise my hygiene through not showering, sitting in dirty rivers, or waving dead chickens over my head because I don’t have leprosy. Or fungus. Or skin cancer. Which is nice to know.
Sunday, 13 July 2008
Lena Goes to the Doctor and Nothing Happens
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6 comments:
You should go to the Stanford dermatology clinic next time. I went in for a skin check and hopeful mole and cyst removal. The dermatologist briefly checked me out, and before I knew it had brought in several students (residents?) to come look at the freak with unusual mole patterns, a cyst, and some other funny blue thing on my face. Needless to say they were all very impressed and excited to diagnose me with all sorts of problems and wanted to run all kinds of tests, do a biopsy, etc.
I opted out, and went to my Grandpa who shook his head sadly and stated he was glad to have gone to Chicago for medical training. Nothing unusual about any of my "conditions" to speak of. Maybe modern doctors have taken a page from the media where it is more fun to scare you and then tell you everything is actually ok (after a few visits) than to just figure things out properly the first time.
Methinks fungus girl doth protest too much.
I'm glad you don't have a fungus, because then my tired old fungus joke would be less funny and more tacky (while passing my requested lip balm: "don't worry -- my lip fungus is all cleared up"). I'm also glad you don't have skin cancer, because then I'd have to stop telling all my skin cancer jokes.
I had toenail fungus once, and I really did feel like a leper, especially when it became clear that curing toenail fungus was close to miraculous. Then it went away and I became a (very grateful) former leper.
I've been to the dermatologist this month, too. They "punched out" one of my moles for biopsy (not usually queasy, but the words "punched out" in reference to my flesh was a bit frightening). My doctor was quite handsome, and not wearing a ring. Also smart: used the word "narcissistic." Also good with a needle and thread. If you decide you need a follow-up visit, I'll give you his name. :)
Glad you have a clean bill of health. Fungus-free is the way to be! And glad you decided to share the hilarious story with us.
Hilarious story!! Glad to hear there are no problems!
I'm pretty sure that you are the funniest friend I have. Don't tell Liz.
I wish someone would give me an excuse not to shower.
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